I hope everyone's had a good CNY.

Me on the other hand, had a miserable one...apart from Tuesday. I've never noticed myself to be this sensitive during the mood swings but...apparently I am. I was seriously close to tears many times, even with things like my dad telling me to stop practicing guitar as we need to go down for dinner, or my sister ignoring me when I asked her if she wants to go out with my cousins and I...it was quite terrible. It was the first time I walked off on my own while everyone was waiting for a seat in the hawker centre. I couldn't stand there, I swear I'd just start a fist fight with someone. Or verbal abuse. Sometimes, the emotions get so overwhelming, I just lose control. It's frightening. It's as though I'm on drugs and I can't control myself at all. Technically...that's true, I am on 'drugs'. Don't ask me. I don't want to discuss it. After the feeling of anger and annoy at every little thing (even if you happen to be staring at me, or walking/ wearing/ eating wrongly or not replying my sms or call) comes the feeling of regret and remorse and...

Nostalgia.

GAH. I hate that feeling. I don't want to look behind me, at my past. I just want to move on, get over, just...live my damn life. Life is short, I really don't want to make it shorter. Though when I was discussing this with my cousins, we all agreed that we'd rather die than live forever.

On my tombstone: Here lies a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a child of God. Finally, peace at last.

Seriously.

Maybe I'm just so tired of everything. I was never convinced of this calling, but what can I do? I've ran from it for too long. I think, once I get out of this, I'm never going to go back. It's the same everywhere- church versus company. Dangerous thoughts keep hovering in my mind, they could be from me. They could be from the devil. I don't know, I don't want to sort them out, or dig deeper into them. What if I drown in them? Things will get disgraceful.

...'She has a lovely face,
God in His mercy lend her grace
The Lady of Shalott.'
- The Lady of Shalott by Lord Alfred Tennyson

Such a beautiful poem The Lady of Shalott is.

I woke up today to Nigel's v-day sms, he wished everyone that God will show a different kind of love. And since I was pmsing and having a bad day, I wished God will do so too. And everywhere I go, I see girls (or awkward looking guys) holding bouquets of flowers...couples walking together...friends giving presents to each other...and me. I only got one sweet from Gwen =( And smses from Nigel, John, Suejen and Leslie.

Short story shorter. I was miserable.

But.

I invited Rachel out to do chocolate mousse with me. =) So I got lost in Giant in Vivo City, found my thick cream and baking chocolate. AND FOUND THE SCHOOL'S DAMN NICE BUTTERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways. Hee. I swear I nearly died while eating the butter with warm and crispy baguette pieces for dinner today. Drooling while reading this Pika and Gwen? Hee hee.

And indeed God showed me a different kind of love. A love to serve, to be the host, to see others smile. It was so fun to make the chocolate mousse (which I feel ended up a bit too sweet and crumbly) and insist Rachel stay for dinner, which was simply bread, and damn nice butter and New England Clam Chowder, and serve her my mum's barley drink. And Rachel still has to meet her ex-cell leader for dinner later too. I mean, it really made my day. I feel happy when she smiles and you know, laughs. And eats the stuff I make and enjoys it. Truly a different kind of love.

To be the greatest, one must be a servant. And I totally agree with servanthood leadership, ever since primary 5- when I was the leader in my adventure camp and my teacher taught me to model and serve (that is, by washing the entire toilet in SAC so that my team mates will follow me). It is the most influential, most powerful and the highest level of leadership. Anyone can gain power and boss each other around. But who can really have that much power yet still serve others instead of insisting everyone else to serve you?

I hope you have as much fun today as I did Rachel =) Next time, let's try to cook up a three course meal, hehe.

Eeyer. Twice I tried to whip whipping cream to become whipped cream, twice I whipped so much that my cream breaks and becomes butter and buttermilk. And when I melt them and try to make ice cream, I ended up with a substance that has a texture that tastes like bland flavoured yoghurt and an incredible ability to stay frozen for more than 2 hours outside my freezer. =(

I'm wasting so much money damn.

Warning: The following entry contains vulgarities. Lord, forgive me.
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I SAW A FREAKING NICE HANDMADE GUITAR IN ESPLANADE FOR LESS THAN $200!!!!!

Anyone care to buy for me as my early early early birthday present? Hee. Oh, but I need help in buying a guitar- how to care, how to string, choose a pick...I've got this unbroken blister on my thumb...wonder if it'll burst if I continue practising? But sis is getting her plaster for me, which she used when she was practising her harp (back when she was still in sec sch...) so...but then, maybe the bubble might burst inside the plaster as it does when I do pointe.

Also, I've been telling myself that I'd love to go shopping at Red2 and check out the nice tops I saw there. =) Then again, I guess I'll have to do it after exams, which would be in March. I'm keeping 2 March free for shopping.

I've also started a deviantart accounts, hopefully I'll be able to get a digital camera (plus photoshop) so I can stick photos up there. Pika, I'll give you the add when I do so! Ohhhh, I'm just going to be so damn broke before year 3 starts larh. You can see some daily top favourites over at "exit" (at the left navigation bar), but don't be shocked if one pic is like..bloody or somewhat intimate...I have no control over what's going to be posted up there. Plus, they change everyday. I think. Just run your cursor over the blank rectangulars and the picture will come out.

Friday night, went with Suejen to watch Stuttgart Ballet's Romeo and Juliet. On stage, the two looked pretty young, but upclose you realise...they ain't so young. And, um...not as good-looking as you thought. There are a lot of repeat routines, I guess it instills the personality into different characters. But overall, it was quite ok...not terribly fantastic or dramatic. The best scene though was the ballroom scene with that famous piece of music (which Romeo crashed and met Juliet in). I think I prefer to watch H.Art Chao's production to Stuttgart Ballet's or Singapore Dance Theatre. I finally wore that $77.90 dress mum bought for me from Essue 21! And as I've thought, it actually goes very well with my current hair style =) Some waitress served us wine and Suejen and I shared a glass of red wine, which wasn't very sweet or smooth..but still drinkable. So, I'm really sorry Kenneth for abandoning you. Can't resist a live ballet performance by a pretty well-known dance company in Esplanade.

Something struck me over the week: we may be more intelligent and 'higher' than animals but inside we're quite the same. Fats, meat, organs...we're still perishable. I saw a picture of a Y-incision autopsy from a criminology book in MPH. Can't say I was disgusted or grossed out by it...which isn't a good thing. Kids, don't try to find the book or the picture. But yeah...if I were to lay out a slab of human meat beside a slab of beef, you wouldn't know which is which. It kind of brought me down to earth and reminded me why we need to treat animals kindly and with respect. We are the evolved species, we are given authority over them but that doesn't mean we can look down on them.

So ^%@! animal abusers.

I shouldn't be swearing but I feel strongly about this.

On a lighter note, if this time I don't see a D in my results, a miracle has happened. I plan to camp in TP library and attend all revision lectures just so I can pass my exams. I've already given up on that Director's Honours List, because I don't think my GPA can go up to 3.5. Not at this current state.

2 weeks more to chiong then after that, I don't think I shall be more relaxed but at least I don't have to face some lecturers anymore. I admit I have trouble submitting to leadership, I will try but if that person doesn't earn my respect, he doesn't earn it. But I still try to swallow down my remarks and be polite- except to that buh-larrrr-dyyyy idiotic nurse in Mount E.